Contrary to what you have heard, the Nigerian aunty title is no joke. We can laugh all we want, but the road to becoming a nigerian aunty is not an easy one and that is why when you attain that status, you must wield the influence with all you’ve got. No, it is not automatic. I think you are mistaking it with ‘aunt’ the english word for the female sibling of your parent. That is not what we are discussing here, thank you.
Now, please understand that to be a nigerian aunty, you have to move like one. I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s take it step by step.
How to be a Nigerian aunty 101
- You have to learn how to be nosey. I’m sorry if you are the mind your business type, there is no room for you at this table. What is happening to your neighbour’s daughter’s friend’s classmate has to be your business too. No negotiating this one.
- You have to learn to give unsolicited advice. Listen, you have earned the right to by virtue of what life has shown you. You have seen life, you know it all. Whatever it is, give advice, preferably using this template – Marriage advice, patience. Job advice, do something professional (not pressing phone up and down), dressing advice, italian shoe goes with everything, Financial advice, don’t make too much money so that you will not chase husband away.
- You have to be good at asking questions that are none of your darn business. Questions like :
- When will you marry?
- Is it not time for another child?
- When is your wedding?
- Why is your hair that style or colour?
- When is your own turn to marry?
- Why are you getting fat?
- Is marriage on the horizon?
- Why are you getting slim?
- Why are you not married yet?
- Are you bleaching?
- Has he proposed yet?
- Are you pregnant ?
4. You have to have something in your purse for the expecting glances. You know, those ones that will greet you and won’t go away, smiling and giving side eye at your purse? Those ‘anything for the girls’ glances? You have to be ready so that you are not called unfortunate.
5. Your wardrobe has to have a sufficient amount of aso-ebi. If you attend a wedding without the aso-ebi, make sure nobody there knows you. Because Nigerian aunties buy aso-ebi. Period.
6. You have to build a house on facebook. One more thing, show yourself. Comment on every post that everyone you know makes. You are in the know and they need to know it.
Want the test that will let you know if you are already on your way to Nigerian aunty status? Check this post!
Now go forth and make me proud!
Next read – Hard truths I could have told my younger self